There’s a war on women being waged in this country by the Republican Party, so say the Democrats anyway. Republicans tend to disagree. So, where’s the evidence to support such a claim?
Oh, let’s see here… Congressional Republicans have proposed bills that would do the following: Re-define rape, require “invasive” vaginal ultrasounds before abortions, cut off Planned-Parenthood funding, make it legal for any employer to deny reproductive health coverage to women on moral grounds, restrict health services to low-income women, etc.
In 2011, the Center For Reproductive Rights “monitored over 600 anti-choice bills that would undermine women’s autonomy and fundamental rights to health and well-being” at the state level. The report went on to state, “The Center is hard-pressed to cite a time in the last twenty years that can rival — in volume and in severity — this most recent period of anti-woman, anti-child, and anti-health legislative action in the United States… It’s clear: Women and their fundamental rights to health and decision-making are being attacked.”
Let us also not forget about conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh and his claims that Georgetown law student, Sandra Fluke, was a “slut” and a “prostitute” due to her believing that women’s health care coverage should include contraception.
So yes, when one stands back and looks at all of the bills that have been proposed by members of the Republican Party and the controversial words spoken by conservative talking heads, he or she would have to be quite brainwashed to not see that the GOP has definitely been attacking women’s rights and has, in essence, been waging a war against them.
Since the majority of these attackers are, of course, male, I thought I’d have a little fun with turning the tables around and allowing women to wage a war on men. While reading the following new rules, we’ll have to keep in mind that the majority of people in power are female. Alright, ladies, let’s get to work!
Rule #1: If a man lives with a woman, he must never touch the remote control. If he does, he will be subjected to the viewing of a Hallmark movie of the woman’s choosing, all the while gay male strippers give him lap-dances throughout the film’s duration. The woman will then have the option of recording these events and posting them on YouTube.
Rule #2: Any guy who watches UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) will be required to place a bumper sticker on his car, which reads, “I watch gay porn - UFC.”
Rule #3: When miniature golfing, women will be accompanied by male caddies, whom will not be allowed to golf on the course and will not be paid for their caddy-services.
Rule #4: Males will only be allowed to smoke cigars of three colors: Hot pink, lavender and periwinkle.
Rule #5: Every Viagra (or something similar to it) user will be forced to wear a sign around their necks at all times. The sign will read, “I can’t get it up by myself, but with the help of Viagra, would you mind if I stuck it in? I’ve got four hours, but it will likely take closer to four seconds.” This will let women know right away what they’re dealing with.
Rule #6: The only times men will be allowed to have sex with women are during football games. If no football game is airing on CBS, NBC, ABC or Fox, men’s penises will automatically be zapped every time they attempt to go in for some good old-fashioned penetration with a woman.
Rule #7: Whenever a man orders a leather jacket, imprinted on the back will be the words, “I’m A Pussy”.
Rule #8: Every car brand name will now be preceded by the word “cute”. No longer will a man be driving a Dodge Ram. He’ll be driving a Cute Dodge Ram.
Rule #9: A group of women will be in charge of altering beer brand names. These new names will include: Tiny Johnson, Limpdick, The Notebook Is Fricking Awesome, The Water Was Cold, Massive Shrinkage and Getting Herpes Tonight.
Rule #10: Burgers will go by the name “man-meat” and must be identified as such when a guy orders one - “Yes, I’d like some man-meat please. Oh and I prefer my man-meat well done. Thanks.”
Okay, ladies… Now it’s time to run for office, get elected and put these laws into motion! If and when that does occur, however, I do kindly ask that you take it easy on me. After all, I thought up these laws in the first place!