I find many dating site commercials to be humorous, but none more so than those dedicated to the site ChristianMingle.com.

The site’s tagline is, “Find God’s match for you.”

Whenever I hear or read this tagline, I immediately have to laugh. Even though I don’t believe in it personally, let’s assume for a second that there is such a thing as predestination. Do the creators of this site truly believe that the match God has found for us wasn’t in a church, at school, at work, at Bible study, but on a dating website called ChristianMingle.com? Does this mean if one doesn’t meet their match on this site, he or she is going against God’s wishes? That the match they found isn’t God’s match? Yes, I can really imagine the following conversation occurring during the time The Bible was written:

God: “It’s so nice to control everything. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. Am I right, or am I right?”

Aid: “Of course you are, sir. You’re God.”

God: “Exactly”

Aid: “So, what’s next on the slate, sir?”

God: “Love. We all need love, right? As I’ll control The Beatles to sing one day, ‘All you need is love.’ So, I have to make certain each and every person has a match - someone they can grow old and be happy with.”

Aid: “Very well, sir. How will you go about this?”

God: “Well, it’s going to be through a computer.”

Aid: “A computer, sir? What’s that?”

God: “Wait a while. Long after you’re deceased, you will learn about it.”

Aid: “I can’t wait, sir. But, what about the people whom have found love now and without a computer? Was that not in your control, sir? How could that be?”

God: “Stop it! You’re ruining my train of thought here! Anyway, so on this device called a computer, Al Gore will invent something called the Internet.”

Aid: “Al Gore? The Internet? I’m very confused, sir.”

God: “I know. Everyone besides me is. Alright, so on the Internet, I’m going to make certain to concoct a dating site for all of my matches - ChristianMingle.com is what it will be named.”

Aid: “A dating site? What’s that?”

God: “All my children will write about themselves, post pictures, and garner people’s interest through them. They’ll then begin to communicate with one another, go on dates, and live happily ever after.”

Aid: “So, it will be the choice of these people on whom they date? I thought these were your matches… How could they be your matches when these other people are deciding who their matches will be?”

God: “I told you to stop that! You’re fired! Go find me another aid.”

Since I’ve found the Tim Tebow-hype to be so ridiculous, especially via ESPN, I thought I’d come up with a dialogue between ESPN and God, regarding who else but Tim Tebow.
 
God: “What do you come here for?”
 
ESPN: “To talk about Tim Tebow, sir.”
 
God: “Okay. Go ahead.”
 
ESPN: “Is it true that he’s your son?”
 
God: “You’re all my children. Although, I admit that I do like some of you more than others.”
 
ESPN: “…and Tebow?”
 
God: “He’s a fine young man with a good heart.”
 
ESPN: “Is it true that you intervened in all of those comebacks the Broncos had this year?”
 
God: “No, what do you think I am?”
 
ESPN: “God… …but what about the 316 yards he threw for against the Steelers in the playoffs? His favorite passage is John 3:16. That can’t be a coincidence.”
 
God: “What about the 60 yards he threw for against the Chiefs, completing just 6 of 22 passes? There was nothing godly about that. Ray Charles could throw better and he and I just played the piano together a couple days ago.”
 
ESPN: “Well, is he the chosen one of the NFL?”
 
God: “Chosen? Chosen by who? Carrot Top?”
 
ESPN: “No. You.”
 
God: “If he’s the chosen one of the NFL, I must not be very bright. If that were the case, you might as well call me Forrest Gump.”
 
ESPN: “Mr. Gump…”
 
God: “Very funny. I was kidding. No, he’s not the chosen one. That would be Neo. Haven’t you seen ‘The Matrix’?”
 
ESPN: “No actually. I…”
 
God: “What planet are you from?”
 
ESPN: “I’ll be sure to check that out…”
 
God: “You do that. There’s the red pill and blue pill. I may have to add another for you - the crazy pill.”
 
ESPN: “…okay…so what do you think about Tebowing?”
 
God: “That’s funny. He and his like don’t seem to care much for gays, but he sure enjoys being on his knees quite a bit, doesn’t he?”
 
ESPN: “So, you have a problem with this?”
 
God: “I don’t care. It’s his decision. He just may want to cut down on that or people may start talking. Others may start getting excited…you know…Elton John, George Michael, Ricky Martin, this Craig kid in Ohio…”
 
ESPN: “Craig kid?”
 
God: “Yeah, he knows who I’m talking about. One word - flaming!”
 
ESPN: “So, will Tim Tebow have continued success?”
 
God: “Continued success? At what?”
 
ESPN: “Football, of course…”
 
God: “Since when did finishing last or near last in every passing category equal success for a NFL quarterback?”
 
ESPN: “But he wins games…”
 
God: “Are you questioning God?”
 
ESPN: “But, it’s Tim Tebow…”
 
God: “Look, if he’s going to have success at anything, it will either be in baseball or as a human windmill.”
 
ESPN: “What?”
 
God: “With a windup like his, he could be a natural pitcher or he could help out with wind energy and be a human windmill. My bet is on the latter.”
 
ESPN: “You’re kidding…”
 
God: “No. I’m dead serious. Tim Tebow - human windmill. Mark it. It will happen on March 16th (3/16) of next year.”
 
ESPN: “What about Tebowmania?”
 
God: “What about it?”
 
ESPN: “Do you feel it? I know we all do over at ESPN.”
 
God: “Yeah, I know. You really need to stop it, as Mike Ditka would say.”
 
ESPN: “What? Why?”
 
God: “Because it makes you look like you’re permanently Tebowing right in front of Tebow himself, if you catch my drift…”
 
ESPN: “No. What do you mean?”
 
God: “Just keep at it and you’ll find out for yourself, as will Tim …and the likes of Elton John, George Michael, Ricky Martin and Craig are going to be very excited.”

Powerless Government + A Bong = God

“Can you pass the bong?”

As he took an inhale that would make Cheech and Chong proud, President McDonald prepared to make the most important speech in history.

McDonald cleared his throat, before saying, “Okay. Has everyone taken three hits yet? Yes? Okay, good. As we discuss the matters at hand, feel free to eat some of the doughnuts, brownies, cookies, Twinkies and celery I’ve provided for you all. Alright, now onto more important issues. The people are getting out of control. They have no respect for us. Just the other day, a homeless guy gave Jerry over here a wedgie. For the record, this homeless guy is nicknamed Sloth. It’s time we find a way to seize more power and control. We’ve got to make the people fear us. How do we do this? I’m open to any and all suggestions. Yes, Jerry…”

Jerry: “What if I start running naked around town?”

McDonald: “Well, I suppose that would instill fear in people, women in particular. Have you seen a doctor about that yet?”

Jerry: “No. It just won’t stop itching!”

McDonald: “Yeah, I’m not thinking that’s going to work. Anybody else? Yes, Billy Bob…”

Billy Bob: “We should all carry with us two shotguns and for anyone who criticizes or questions us, we shoot them.”

McDonald: “Again, I think that would definitely make the people fear us, but if we shot everyone who criticized or questioned us, we’d wind up with just us left, so I’m not thinking that’s going to work either. Yes, Jeremiah…”

Jeremiah: “For anyone that swears, we will beat them.”

McDonald: “Well, shit. Outside of you, Jeremiah, we’d all be screwed. Next?”

Abe: “What if we made up a story?”

McDonald: “Okay. I’m curious. A story about what exactly?”

Abe: “A story like Santa Claus. If people are good, obey the laws, that kind of thing, they will be rewarded. If not, they will be punished.”

McDonald: “Come on, Abe! Only children believe in Santa Claus! What about the adults? The people we’re really worried about? The adults? Are they going to believe this story?”

Abe: “It can’t hurt to try.”

McDonald: “Okay, go on…”

Abe: “Alright, what are people most afraid of besides public speaking? Death. Let’s make up a story where it states that if you’re good, you’ll live forever. You’ll die, but then live again. If you don’t obey the laws, then you will be forever punished, a permanent wedgie like Jerry received last week.”

McDonald: “Okay, so, I’ll bite. We’ll need a charismatic leader who will allow the good people to live again and we need to find an evil character to punish all the wretched souls.”

Abe: “Well, we’re talking about good and evil here. Good and Evil? No, that’s too obvious. Goodo and Eval? No, that sounds Spanglish and phony. What about something like God and Devil?”

McDonald: “God and Devil? I think I like it. Let’s go with this. Alright, how’s about some rules for the people to follow?”

Abe: “Don’t steal.”

Billy Bob: “Don’t kill unless the person is asking for it.”

Jerry: “Don’t give wedgies.”

McDonald: “I’ll add one. Don’t sleep with other guy’s wives, unless they’re really hot. Any others?”

Broxton: “Don’t get high unless you’re with us.”

McDonald: “Beautiful! Speaking of which, does anybody see someone walking on water over there?”

Jerry: “You’re just seeing things, man.”

McDonald: “No, seriously, that guy in the robe and sandals, standing on the table, is he really walking on water?”

Jerry: “Jesus Christ!”

In the perfect place,
At the perfect time,
Destined for glory,
Destined for paradise,

Born into this world,
With no choice of my raisers,
No choice of their wealth,
No choice of my location,

From birth until death,
Told I was very fortunate,
One of the very few,
Who will experience such glory,

Told I will be saved,
If I believe in him,
Told I will live eternally,
If I worship him,

Born into this world,
With no choice of my raisers,
No choice of their wealth,
No choice of my location,

Dependent upon the uncontrollable,
We’re born into this world,
All believing we are the chosen,
Others damned for that beyond their control.

We thank you for poverty,
Thank you for war,
Thank you for cancer,
For answering our prayers,

For hurricanes,
For pollution,
We thank you for crime,
For answering our prayers,

For the AIDS epidemic in Africa,
Thank you for the earthquake in Japan,
Terrorist attacks in the Middle East,
For answering our prayers,

Clasping our hands,
Closing our eyes,
Wishes directed toward you,
Hoping to stay alive,

The sun rises in the morning,
Some never awaken,
Forever clasping our hands,
Wondering if you’ll ever listen.

A man of love,
A man of peace,
A man I worship,
A role model for me,

Living my life through him,
Intent on doing his good work,
So that I may be rewarded in the end,
Save others in the process,

I cringe at the sight of the obese,
Point and laugh at the unattractive,
Disregard those in need,
All in the name of Jesus,

Staring at the good looking,
Licking my lips time and again,
Raging hormones making their presence known,
Dirty thoughts rummage through my head,

War is the first option,
Collateral damage is of no importance,
Gays mustn’t marry,
Women must be silent,

Tossing a soda can at a bum,
Laughing in the process,
On the way back from church,
All in the name of Jesus.

To thou whom I speak,
To thou whom I pray,
To thou whom I listen,
Every minute of every day,

When I rise in the morning,
Go to sleep at night,
I know you’re with me,
My guiding light,

I look to you for answers,
Look to you for love,
To look after my children,
Look after myself,

With me when I drive to work,
When I return home,
With me at every waking moment,
With me until I’m gone,

One day I will rise to be with you,
See my family and friends,
Be rewarded for my everlasting faith,
Be forever saved,

I’ve never seen your face,
Nor heard your voice,
Yet I adamantly declare,
To know of your presence,

I don’t believe in ghosts,
Yet hold no doubts of your existence,
Having never seen either,
Absent of any evidence,

The invisible man is coming,
Believe in him or else,
He will strike ye down to the fiery pit,
A ghost sending you to hell.

As I look up,
I’m unable to see his presence,
Nowhere to be seen near or far,
Being physically absent,

I cannot hear his voice,
Even in the still of the night,
As the crickets chirp,
I listen for a sign,

Children being abused,
Families in poverty,
Wars being waged,
How could he let this be?

His benevolence can be questioned,
Omniscience too,
Omnipotence appears unlikely,
Yet I wish it were true,

An angel looking down upon me,
Making certain I’m alright,
There to reward me after I pass,
Welcoming me into the next life,

Yet doubt lingers over me,
As I walk the streets at night,
People lying in them passed out,
Having given up on this life,

Unable to prove he exists,
Unable to prove he’s absent,
Doubting with all my mind,
Hoping with all my heart.