Setting: A married couple sitting in their doctor’s office

Dr. Shihtzu: “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub. How are you both doing today?”

Joseph and Mary Beelzebub: “Good, and you?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Fine. Thanks for asking. Well, let’s get right to it, shall we? I got the test results back and have some wonderful news for the two of you! You’re going to have a baby! Congratulations!”

Mary: “Really?”

Joseph: “Yeah, doc - are you sure?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m 100% positive. You two sound less than thrilled. It’s pretty common for new parents to be nervous when they first discover they’ll be having a baby. However, I have to ask - are you two certain you want to have this baby? We’re at an early enough stage where abortion is still a legal option. If you’re not wanting to go through that, but don’t feel like you’re ready to raise a child yet, you could also give the child up for adoption.”

Joseph: “Abortion is murder, doc! There’s no way we’ll opt for that!”

Mary: “I agree.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s fine. I was just pointing out that it was an option. What do you two want to do then?”

Joseph: “Well, I think we want to keep and raise the child ourselves, but just don’t think the kid will be ready for the real world quite yet. I think we’re both worried about that. Am I right, hun?”

Mary: “Oh, absolutely.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s a common worry for new parents as well. Trust me, though - with the guidance of wonderful parents such as yourselves, one day your child will definitely be ready for the real world!”

Joseph: “I don’t think you’re understanding us here. Right after the child is born, we want it to live on its own.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m confused. So you do want to give the child up for adoption?”

Joseph: “No. Right after the baby’s born, we want it to go out and get a job, buy a house, make a decent living, and make us proud. Right, honey?”

Mary: “That’s right, sweetie.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Eh, that’s not going to be possible, I’m afraid. There would be some serious legal ramifications for that.”

Joseph: “Look, doc - we just don’t want our kid to grow up being a socialist. Any kind of control my wife and I have over his life at any point will be bad. We can’t have him growing up being solely dependent on us to survive. He’s gotta make it on his own, whether he’s 20 years old or 2 minutes old.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “What about during the child’s earliest stages? How will she be able to feed herself? To find shelter? To become educated? To earn money?”

Joseph: “I don’t know. That’s not our problem. She needs to become a responsible, independent adult, and not some moocher that sucks from my wife and I’s tits.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I beg your pardon?”

Joseph: “You heard me…”

Mary: “Doc - what are we supposed to do? If we feed our baby, she’ll wind up with food stamps! If we buy things for her, she’ll always be on welfare! If we provide her shelter, she’ll never leave! We’re just trying to do the good Christian thing and raise our baby right.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “By not raising him at all…”

Joseph: “Do you gotta problem, doc?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Yes, actually, but that’s besides the point. Let me ask you two something - have either of you ever gotten government assistance for anything?”

Joseph and Mary: “No!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Never? Have either of you been on Medicaid?”

Joseph: “Still am.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Have you ever gotten student loans?”

Mary: “Yes.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Okay then - so you both have received government assistance at certain points in your lives - actually, it sounds like you’ve received some kind of assistance for pretty much all of your lives…”

Joseph: “But that’s different…”

Mary: “We just don’t want our child to grow up like us and have to go through all that we did.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s understandable. How do you feel your lives would be different if your parents did to you what you plan on doing to your child, and letting you go out on your own from day one?”

Joseph: “I’d be a better man - stronger, more responsible, and definitely more smarter!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How would you have survived on your own without some form of assistance from your parents?”

Joseph: “I would have gotten a job as a doctor, bought a car, bought a house, and…”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Where would you have gotten the money necessary for the car and house?”

Joseph: “From my high-paying job, of course! You should know that, doc!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Okay - how would you have gotten yourself a job as a doctor without the proper education?”

Joseph: “I would have educated myself. Like I said - I’d be way more smarter today if my parents had left me at the hospital!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “So, you say you would have bought a car. How would you have driven it? You have to be a few years older than that of a newborn in order legally drive an automobile.”

Joseph: “I would have found a way.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How would you have been able to see over the steering wheel? Been able to place your foot on the gas or the brake?”

Joseph: “I’d pray and it would then happen.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How big were you as a baby?”

Joseph: “A couple pounds. I was born pretty early.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “So, you’re telling me that a two-pound baby such as yourself would have been fine with operating a motor vehicle?”

Joseph: “Yeah - definitely!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m thinking you’d need more than prayers to accomplish that feat! Alright, well, I honestly can’t take much more of this. I think I’m going to need to leave early today, do several shots at a bar, and have a taxi take me home…”

Joseph: “A taxi? You socialist!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I wasn’t finished. Before I do that, I will be calling an excellent doctor in the area for the two of you. I’m going to request that he gives you both an extremely thorough psychiatric evaluation. After he’s completed that, we’ll just take things from there - likely at the asylum not far from here…”

Joseph: “Wait - psycho what? Evolution?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “No, Joseph - in fact, I think you have single-handedly made me rethink things regarding evolution. Anyway, I hope you two have a great rest of your afternoon. That doctor I told you about - Dr. Zap - will be in touch here shortly, and in more ways than one I’m guessing. Take care.”


This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html

http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

Joe Bush: “Do you see that building over there, little Joey?”

Joey Bush: “Yeah…”

Joe: “I built that!”

Joey: “Really? All by yourself?”

Joe: “That’s right!”

Joey: “How long ago was that?”

Joe: “Well, your great-grandpa is the one that started it, so it’s been around for a while now.”

Joey: “…and you built that?”

Joe: “You betcha! …and someday, when you’re my age, you’ll get to tell people the same thing - that you built that!”

Joey: “Wow! I’m gonna build a lot of things, aren’t I, dad?”

Joe: “You bet you are! You already have!”

Joey: “I have? Like what, dad?”

Joe: “That backpack you wear to school every day - you built that!”

Joey: “Really?”

Joe: “Yeah - you own it, place it on your back, and put it to work every day, right?”

Joey: “That’s right!”

Joe: “So, you built it! You know that tricycle my mistress and I bought for you? You built that too!”

Joey: “I did? I don’t remember doing that.”

Joe: “You rode it, right? It’s yours. You built it.”

Joey: “Did I build the piece of paper I wrote on earlier - in that love note I sent Brian?”

Joe: “Say what? Brian?”

Joey: “Uh… I mean, Brianne. Yeah - Brianne.”

Joe: “Ha. I was going to say - you and I would need to talk about that. But yes, you built that piece of paper as well.”

Joey: “That’s so cool! I’m going to tell all my friends!”

Joe: “You’re a maker, little Joey, just like me. There are makers and takers in this world. There are makers like you and I - ones that take full credit for building things that were passed down to us through the generations, and takers - the ones that don’t inherit anything and to whom we pay minimal amounts of money to build things for us. Do you get it?”

Joey: “Wait. So, someone else built that building over there, but you built it all by yourself?”

Joe: “Exactly!”

Joey: “I don’t get it…”

Joe: “You will someday, my son. You will someday. Just like my dad was proud of me for being his son and giving me his business, I’ll one day proudly hand this business over to you and do you know why?”

Joey: “Why, dad?”

Joe: “Because you built that!”

Joey: “Huh? I did?”

Joe: “But, of course.”

Joey: “I still don’t get it. Should we get a taxi, so we can meet up with that Stella lady again?”

Joe: “No, no. Taxi drivers are takers. They’re just mooching off the makers like you and I.”

Joey: “But did the taxi drivers build the taxis like I built my tricycle?”

Joe: “Yes, I suppose so.”

Joey: “So, you can be a maker and a taker? I’m so confused!”

Joe: “Just stop thinking, my son. Just stop thinking like I did many years ago and suddenly, everything will all make sense.”

Joey: “Okay, dad. I’ll stop thinking, just for you.”

Joe: “That’s better. Now let’s go grab us some food.”

Joey: “That we made?”

Joe: “No, silly - that someone else made.”

Joey: “So we’re going to be the takers now?”

Joe: “Never! I told you to stop thinking, junior.”

Joey: “Can we at least say we made it?”

Joe: “Now you’re catching on! Now let’s go and get that food!”


This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html

http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

“This is Will Ferrell, coming to you live from Compton, California, with the premiere of the brand-new game show, Guess Who? In this game, we will try to get to know presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama a little better. For this episode, we asked both of them a series of questions and the three contestants will have to guess which candidate provided us with these very answers. The questions will range from something political to something personal. The two candidates’ voices will be masked with a program which makes them both sound like the one, the only Bobcat Goldthwait. Whomever comes up with the most correct answers will win our grand prize - a week’s worth of free wings at Hooters! Now, let’s meet our contestants. She’s single. She’s from Compton. Here she is - Melissa! You look familiar, Melissa. Do you happen to work at Hooters?”

Melissa: “For going on ten years strong!”

Ferrell: “Your folks must be very proud.”

Melissa: “So are my eleven kids!”

Ferrell: “I bet they are. Moving on - we have Jim-Bob from it says ‘somewhere down south.’ Where is that exactly?”

Jim-Bob: “I dunno - you know, south and (bleep).”

Ferrell: “Okay then. Lastly, this can’t be right. We have Sean Connery and it says ‘from your mother’s
vagina.’ So, you’re my brother, are you?”

Connery: “That’s right, Ferrell! …and that’s not all…”

Ferrell: “Dare I ask? What else?”

Connery: “I met your wife the other night.”

Ferrell: “Oh really? Where at?”

Connery: “At this bar called ‘Cheap and Easy.’”

Ferrell: “That’s only because she works there. Shall we get on with the game?”

Connery: “This is going to be easy - just like your wife!”

Ferrell: “That was completely uncalled for, Mr. Connery. Okay, Melissa, Jim-Bob, Sean - let’s get started, shall we? We’re going to hear a series of questions and quotes, and then you’ll have to answer who you think said each of these quotes - either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. After all the questions have been asked, we’ll then go through the answers and declare a very lucky winner. Here we go… First question - ‘What are your feelings on abortion?’”

1) Goldthwait: “I believe in adding an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw all abortions, even in the cases of rape, incest, the mother’s health being in jeopardy, or alien abduction.”

2) Goldthwait: “I believe that women should have the right to choose what to do with their bodies when
pregnant.”

Ferrell: “Please answer either Romney or Obama for both quotes. You’ll have ten seconds to do so. During these ten seconds, we’ll play our theme song - courtesy of George Michael - ‘I Want Your Sex.’ Good luck.”

Connery: “Your wife wanted my sex the other night, Ferrell!”

Ferrell: “Answer the question. You now have five seconds.”

Connery: “Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

Ferrell: “Okay, now for question #2 - ‘What are your thoughts on healthcare reform?’”

1) Goldthwait: “I believe it’s the government’s duty to make certain that all people have health insurance, so yes - I believe in healthcare reform.”

2) Goldthwait: “I believe that government mandating healthcare is not what our Founding Fathers would have ever wanted. It’s the first step toward socialism, as it’s trampling upon our liberties! That’s what it says in the Bible too. Jesus was against people being healthy. That’s a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia.”

Ferrell: “Once again, you’ll have ten seconds to mark both quotes with either Romney or Obama.”

George Michael: “I want your sex. I want you. I want your…sex.”

Ferrell: “That brings us to question #3 - ‘Do you believe in gun control?’”

1) Goldthwait: “I believe the 2nd Amendment is one of our founding principles and think that all people should be allowed to have guns - including felons, blind men, and infants.”

2) Goldthwait: “Studies have shown that gun control laws work, so I think it’s important that we enforce certain laws to make sure guns don’t fall into the wrong hands.”

Connery: “My gun can’t control itself when I’m around your wife, Ferrell, if you know what I mean…”

Ferrell: “I’ve had about enough of you!”

Connery: “Your wife told me the other night she could never get enough of me!”

Ferrell: “Okay, time’s up for answering that question. Here is question #4 - ‘True or False - Have you ever lied to the American people?’”

1) Goldthwait: “If I’m being honest, I’d have to say true.”

2) Goldthwait: “False. It can’t be proven anyway; at least that’s what my imaginary friend tells me.”

George Michael: “It’s playing on my mind. It’s dancing on my soul. It’s taken so much time. So why don’t you just let me go. I’d really like to try…”

Ferrell: “Now for our fifth and final question - ‘Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?’”

1) Goldthwait: “Yes, but only with Will Ferrell’s wife.”

Ferrell: “Dammit, Connery! I told you to cut it out!”

Connery: “I told you she was easy, Ferrell, but that wasn’t me…”

Ferrell: “::sighs:: Okay, we’ll go through the quotes one more time. The question was ‘Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?’”

1) Goldthwait: “Yes, but only with Will Ferrell’s wife.”

2) Goldthwait: “No - never. What kind of question is that?”

George Michael: “Sex is natural - sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural - sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one on one…”

Ferrell: “Okay, pens down. Now, let me see a show of hands - how many of you answered all five questions?”

::Melissa, Jim-Bob, and Sean raise their hands::

Ferrell: “Okay - that’s good. How many of you answered each and every question using Obama’s name once as well as Romney’s?”

::the three contestants raise their hands again::

Ferrell: “I’ve just been handed all your answers to either confirm or deny what you all just told me by raising your hands. That’s what I figured. I’m sorry, but none of you answered a single question correctly, so I’m afraid I’ll be the one getting free wings at Hooters for a week.”

Melissa: “Eh, what? How’s that like possible and stuff?”

Jim-Bob: “Y’all don’t know whatcha talkin’ ‘bout! Dat’s messed up!”

Connery: “What’s the story, Ferrell? Did you screw us harder than I screwed your…”

Ferrell: “Watch it, Sean! No, the fact of the matter is that each and every quote was said by Mitt Romney. Barack Obama wasn’t the source of any of those quotes. So, since all of you answered Romney and Obama for each and every question, I’m afraid none of you will be getting a free week’s worth of wings at Hooters.”

Jim-Bob: “I don’t get it. What’d he just say?”

Connery: “That’s dirty, Ferrell! Dirtier than your…”

Ferrell: “Sorry to cut you off, but I’m afraid it’s time to wrap this up. Thanks to our three contestants, our audience, our viewers at home, and of course, Mitt Romney. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and will be back next week to watch a brand-new episode of Guess Who?”


This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html

http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

Between the music, the dialogue and the acting, these Kay commercials come across to me as a hybrid of a soap opera and an awful made-for-TV movie.

The basic outline for a Kay commercial is as follows:

1) Cue the cheesy Hallmark music - Go!

2) Present Hollywood-esque romantic scene that has a 2.2 - 3.09% chance of presenting itself in reality. Check.

3) Have the male chime in with a dramatic one-liner that has cliché written all over it, such as, “You deserve everything, which is why I got you this…”

4) At this very time, he presents his gift from Kay.

5) Overdramatic reaction by the female. Teardrops. Mouth agape. Phony smile. Check.

6) The female then responds with a lovely one-liner of her own, such as, “I’ll never cheat on you again. Now, kiss me.”

7) Cue the kiss.

Now for the closer - “Every kiss begins with Kay.”

After having to sit through these darn things, I think I can say for many people that no longer does kiss begin with “Kay,” it begins with “Gag”.

Personally, I like my rendition of one of these stupid commercials better. We’ll keep the same cheesy hallmark music intact, along with the signature line, but I’d like to switch up the dialogue
a bit.

Male: ::as he presents his Kay jewelry gift to the lovely lady:: “I love you more than anything and wanted to illustrate this very love through a piece of jewelry.”

Female: “Wait? Where did you get the money for this?”

Male: “Don’t worry about it. Trust me.”

Female: “But, we’re on a very tight budget here. You and I both know we can’t go around spending money like this, especially during this recession.”

Male: “Don’t worry. I stole it. I dressed up as Big Bird. There’s no way they’ll ever find me.”

Female: “What if the authorities find out? What will you do then? What if you go to jail for this?”

Male: “For this one magical moment we’re having here, it’d be worth it, just to show you I love you.”

Female: “Oh my God! You’re such an idiot! What about our kids? Do you really want them growing up without a father?”

Male: “I thought I wasn’t the father.”

Female: “You know what I mean. Both George and William are in prison as it is. I don’t need their two actual fathers and you all in jail.”

Male: “But, I love you and…”

Female: “Oh, shut it! We need to figure out how to get out of this country and hide out for a while.”

Male: “I’m sorry, sweetie.”

::the two embrace one another, which is followed by a peck on the lips::

“Every Kiss Begins with Kay.”

Indeed…

This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/the-kind-hearted-smart-aleck-censored-version/paperback/product-18160601.html

http://www.amazon.com/Kind-Hearted-Smart-censored-version-ebook/dp/B00B1HOWIW/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&qid=1367971778&sr=8-9&keywords=craig+rozniecki

In case anyone is curious to check out one (or more) of my books, I thought I’d provide the necessary information to do that.

If you’re looking for a book of mine in paperback form, they can be found at the following site (among others):

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz

In paperback form, the books run for the following prices:

The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s (uncensored version) (2011) - $14.88

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck (censored version) (2011) - $14.36

Penetrating The Heart Of Life: Ambiguous In Thought, Ambivalent In Feeling (2011) - $10.00

LOL at the GOP (2012) - $9.50

LOL at the GOP - Volume 2: 47% Awesome 100% of the Time (2013) - $9.98

If you’re looking for a book in the Kindle format, all five of the before-mentioned books can be purchased for $2.99 a piece at the following site:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_qz_back?sf=qz&rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Cn%3A283155%2Ck%3Acraig+rozniecki+kindle&keywords=craig+rozniecki+kindle&ie=UTF8

If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I’ll try to answer your question(s) to the best of my ability.

Well, I’ve just completed two sets of letters to send to people across the country regarding my books, and thought I’d copy and paste one of them to share to readers, in case anyone was interested in the following information. Here it is:

I’ve been continually telling myself I would take a nice mental break at some point over the past couple years. However, that hasn’t been the case. Ever since I recovered from my 20-month illness in the early part of 2011, my creative juices have been flowing - perhaps feeling the need to make up for lost time during those 20 months - and I’ve now published five books in the past 15 months (890 pages worth). One landed me on a radio talk show this past August, and I’m hopeful that will occur again at some point this year. The books have included: Two comedies, two political satires, and one of the poetry variety. I also have a nonfiction manuscript completed and am awaiting agent representation for it, am 53 pages into a third political satire, and 16 pages into a satire of the non-political variety.

Also, while I’m still kind of old-fashioned when it comes to reading books (paperbacks), my work has recently been introduced to a brand new market - Kindle. All five of these published books can now be downloaded onto one’s Kindle via Amazon and for a much cheaper price than the paperback versions. The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s (uncensored version); The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck (censored version); Penetrating The Heart Of Life: Ambiguous In Thought, Ambivalent In Feeling; LOL at the GOP; and LOL at the GOP - Volume 2: 47% Awesome 100% of the Time can all be downloaded onto your Kindle for just $2.99 a piece. 

If you’d rather go the paperback route, the five before-mentioned books can be found at the following URL and carry with them the following prices:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?type=&keyWords=craig+rozniecki&x=12&y=5&sitesearch=lulu.com&q=

The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s (uncensored version) - $14.88

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck (censored version) - $14.36

Penetrating The Heart Of Life: Ambiguous In Thought, Ambivalent In Feeling - $10.00

LOL at the GOP - $9.50

LOL at the GOP - Volume 2: 47% Awesome 100% of the Time - $9.98

If you purchase a paperback version, try entering the coupon code FEBBOOKS13 for 20% off your purchase. If you have any problems with that or have any other questions, feel free to e-mail me at CRozniecki@gmail.com and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I possibly can (that or just comment on this blog and I’ll try to respond quickly as well).

Thanks for taking the time to read this and if you do decide to purchase a copy(-ies), I sincerely hope you enjoy it (them). Take care and have a great rest of your winter!

Sincerely,

Me (no, this is not how I signed the actual letters)

P.S. If you’re at all curious to hear my before-mentioned radio show appearance, you can check it out at the following URL - 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtyOh34zq0A&feature=plcp

The segment is about 13 minutes in duration and starts at approximately the 12:45 mark.

The Socialist Baby

Setting: A married couple sitting in their doctor’s office

Dr. Shihtzu: “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub. How are you both doing today?”

Joseph and Mary Beelzebub: “Good, and you?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Fine. Thanks for asking. Well, let’s get right to it, shall we? I got the test results back and have some wonderful news for the two of you! You’re going to have a baby! Congratulations!”

Mary: “Really?”

Joseph: “Yeah, doc - are you sure?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m 100% positive. You two sound less than thrilled. It’s pretty common for new parents to be nervous when they first discover they’ll be having a baby. However, I have to ask - are you two certain you want to have this baby? We’re at an early enough stage where abortion is still a legal option. If you’re not wanting to go through that, but don’t feel like you’re ready to raise a child yet, you could also give the child up for adoption.”

Joseph: “Abortion is murder, doc! There’s no way we’ll opt for that!”

Mary: “I agree.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s fine. I was just pointing out that it was an option. What do you two want to do then?”

Joseph: “Well, I think we want to keep and raise the child ourselves, but just don’t think the kid will be ready for the real world quite yet. I think we’re both worried about that. Am I right, hun?”

Mary: “Oh, absolutely.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s a common worry for new parents as well. Trust me, though - with the guidance of wonderful parents such as yourselves, one day your child will definitely be ready for the real world!”

Joseph: “I don’t think you’re understanding us here. Right after the child is born, we want it to live on its own.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m confused. So you do want to give the child up for adoption?”

Joseph: “No. Right after the baby’s born, we want it to go out and get a job, buy a house, make a decent living, and make us proud. Right, honey?”

Mary: “That’s right, sweetie.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Eh, that’s not going to be possible, I’m afraid. There would be some serious legal ramifications for that.”

Joseph: “Look, doc - we just don’t want our kid to grow up being a socialist. Any kind of control my wife and I have over his life at any point will be bad. We can’t have him growing up being solely dependent on us to survive. He’s gotta make it on his own, whether he’s 20 years old or 2 minutes old.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “What about during the child’s earliest stages? How will she be able to feed herself? To find shelter? To become educated? To earn money?”

Joseph: “I don’t know. That’s not our problem. She needs to become a responsible, independent adult, and not some moocher that sucks from my wife and I’s tits.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I beg your pardon?”

Joseph: “You heard me…”

Mary: “Doc - what are we supposed to do? If we feed our baby, she’ll wind up with food stamps! If we buy things for her, she’ll always be on welfare! If we provide her shelter, she’ll never leave! We’re just trying to do the good Christian thing and raise our baby right.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “By not raising him at all…”

Joseph: “Do you gotta problem, doc?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Yes, actually, but that’s besides the point. Let me ask you two something - have either of you ever gotten government assistance for anything?”

Joseph and Mary: “No!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Never? Have either of you been on Medicaid?”

Joseph: “Still am.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Have you ever gotten student loans?”

Mary: “Yes.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Okay then - so you both have received government assistance at certain points in your lives - actually, it sounds like you’ve received some kind of assistance for pretty much all of your lives…”

Joseph: “But that’s different…”

Mary: “We just don’t want our child to grow up like us and have to go through all that we did.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “That’s understandable. How do you feel your lives would be different if your parents did to you what you plan on doing to your child, and letting you go out on your own from day one?”

Joseph: “I’d be a better man - stronger, more responsible, and definitely more smarter!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How would you have survived on your own without some form of assistance from your parents?”

Joseph: “I would have gotten a job as a doctor, bought a car, bought a house, and…”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Where would you have gotten the money necessary for the car and house?”

Joseph: “From my high-paying job, of course! You should know that, doc!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “Okay - how would you have gotten yourself a job as a doctor without the proper education?”

Joseph: “I would have educated myself. Like I said - I’d be way more smarter today if my parents had left me at the hospital!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “So, you say you would have bought a car. How would you have driven it? You have to be a few years older than that of a newborn in order legally drive an automobile.”

Joseph: “I would have found a way.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How would you have been able to see over the steering wheel? Been able to place your foot on the gas or the brake?”

Joseph: “I’d pray and it would then happen.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “How big were you as a baby?”

Joseph: “A couple pounds. I was born pretty early.”

Dr. Shihtzu: “So, you’re telling me that a two-pound baby such as yourself would have been fine with operating a motor vehicle?”

Joseph: “Yeah - definitely!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I’m thinking you’d need more than prayers to accomplish that feat! Alright, well, I honestly can’t take much more of this. I think I’m going to need to leave early today, do several shots at a bar, and have a taxi take me home…”

Joseph: “A taxi? You socialist!”

Dr. Shihtzu: “I wasn’t finished. Before I do that, I will be calling an excellent doctor in the area for the two of you. I’m going to request that he gives you both an extremely thorough psychiatric evaluation. After he’s completed that, we’ll just take things from there - likely at the asylum not far from here…”

Joseph: “Wait - psycho what? Evolution?”

Dr. Shihtzu: “No, Joseph - in fact, I think you have single-handedly made me rethink things regarding evolution. Anyway, I hope you two have a great rest of your afternoon. That doctor I told you about - Dr. Zap - will be in touch here shortly, and in more ways than one I’m guessing. Take care.”

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Pro-Lifer Endorses the Death Penalty for Kids

Let me tell you a story about Charlie Fuqua. Fuqua is a Republican, who ran for a seat in the Arkansas House of Representatives this past election.

Last year, he released a book entitled God’s Law, where he wrote the following:

“The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:

This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children. I cannot think of one instance in the Scripture where parents had their child put to death. Why is this so? Other than the love Christ has for us, there is no greater love then [sic] that of a parent for their child. The last people who would want to see a child put to death would be the parents of the child. Even so, the Scripture provides a safe guard to protect children from parents who would wrongly exercise the death penalty against them. Parents are required to bring their children to the gate of the city. The gate of the city was the place where the elders of the city met and made judicial pronouncements. In other words, the parents were required to take their children to a court of law and lay out their case before the proper judicial authority, and let the judicial authority determine if the child should be put to death. I know of many cases of rebellious children, however, I cannot think of one case where I believe that a parent had given up on their child to the point that they would have taken their child to a court of law and asked the court to rule that the child be put to death. Even though this procedure would rarely be used, if it were the law of land, it would give parents authority. Children would know that their parents had authority and it would be a tremendous incentive for children to give proper respect to their parents.”¹

Let me get this straight… Mr. Fuqua is against abortion, in believing that it’s the equivalent of murdering a child and is therefore morally wrong. However, once that child is born, if he rebels against his parents, it should be legal for the parents to have the child put to death?

I can just imagine Mr. Fuqua and his wife (if he has one - there’s a scary thought) engaging in the following conversation:

Mrs. Fuqua: “The child might be born mentally-challenged and I might have some serious problems as well. I hate to say this, but do you think I should have an abortion?”

Charlie: “Hell no! That’s evil! We can’t kill our child! What the hell is wrong with you? I’m now going to pray for you to the one and only The Jesus…”

::after the child turns 2 or 3 and misbehaves::

Mrs. Fuqua: “I don’t know what to do anymore! He’s getting to be too much! I don’t have time to eat, sleep, do anything anymore! What are we going to do?”

Charlie: “Kill him…”

I can also hear the following ad being run in Mr. Fuqua’s honor:

“Want a hard-working, dedicated, honest, God-fearing, moral man in office representing the great state of Arkansas? Vote for Charlie Fuqua! He’s anti-gay, pro-God, and pro-life!

::Fuqua then speaks:: ‘I believe abortion should be illegal and I believe killing your kids for misbehaving should be legal. Believe you, me - you won’t find someone more pro-life than that!’

Save a life and take a life! That’s pro-life! That’s Charlie Fuqua! Be moral and vote Fuqua so you can kill your kids!”

The Thin Line Between Maker and Taker

Joe Bush: “Do you see that building over there, little Joey?”

Joey Bush: “Yeah…”

Joe: “I built that!”

Joey: “Really? All by yourself?”

Joe: “That’s right!”

Joey: “How long ago was that?”

Joe: “Well, your great-grandpa is the one that started it, so it’s been around for a while now.”

Joey: “…and you built that?”

Joe: “You betcha! …and someday, when you’re my age, you’ll get to tell people the same thing - that you built that!”

Joey: “Wow! I’m gonna build a lot of things, aren’t I, dad?”

Joe: “You bet you are! You already have!”

Joey: “I have? Like what, dad?”

Joe: “That backpack you wear to school every day - you built that!”

Joey: “Really?”

Joe: “Yeah - you own it, place it on your back, and put it to work every day, right?”

Joey: “That’s right!”

Joe: “So, you built it! You know that tricycle my mistress and I bought for you? You built that too!”

Joey: “I did? I don’t remember doing that.”

Joe: “You rode it, right? It’s yours. You built it.”

Joey: “Did I build the piece of paper I wrote on earlier - in that love note I sent Brian?”

Joe: “Say what? Brian?”

Joey: “Uh… I mean, Brianne. Yeah - Brianne.”

Joe: “Ha. I was going to say - you and I would need to talk about that. But yes, you built that piece of paper as well.”

Joey: “That’s so cool! I’m going to tell all my friends!”

Joe: “You’re a maker, little Joey, just like me. There are makers and takers in this world. There are makers like you and I - ones that take full credit for building things that were passed down to us through the generations, and takers - the ones that don’t inherit anything and to whom we pay minimal amounts of money to build things for us. Do you get it?”

Joey: “Wait. So, someone else built that building over there, but you built it all by yourself?”

Joe: “Exactly!”

Joey: “I don’t get it…”

Joe: “You will someday, my son. You will someday. Just like my dad was proud of me for being his son and giving me his business, I’ll one day proudly hand this business over to you and do you know why?”

Joey: “Why, dad?”

Joe: “Because you built that!”

Joey: “Huh? I did?”

Joe: “But, of course.”

Joey: “I still don’t get it. Should we get a taxi, so we can meet up with that Stella lady again?”

Joe: “No, no. Taxi drivers are takers. They’re just mooching off the makers like you and I.”

Joey: “But did the taxi drivers build the taxis like I built my tricycle?”

Joe: “Yes, I suppose so.”

Joey: “So, you can be a maker and a taker? I’m so confused!”

Joe: “Just stop thinking, my son. Just stop thinking like I did many years ago and suddenly, everything will all make sense.”

Joey: “Okay, dad. I’ll stop thinking, just for you.”

Joe: “That’s better. Now let’s go grab us some food.”

Joey: “That we made?”

Joe: “No, silly - that someone else made.”

Joey: “So we’re going to be the takers now?”

Joe: “Never! I told you to stop thinking, junior.”

Joey: “Can we at least say we made it?”

Joe: “Now you’re catching on! Now let’s go and get that food!”

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